My Kingdom of Blah…

That’s the best title I could come up with. I usually like to come up with some kind of witty, fun, interesting title – but sorry…guess we’re all out of luck today.

Blah.

The last few days (ok… weeks…months…years…) it seems I’ve been full of blah. Others have noticed it as well. Things may amuse me, make me happy, get a rise out of me – but only for a short while. Then it’s back to the Kingdom of Blah.

Maybe what I think is Blah-dom is what the rest of the world calls “real life”. I can’t remember ever in my life an extended period of time where nothing major has happened. My life tends to be a bit drama filled at times… I’m working on that. LOL But then again – even when “major” things do happen I return to my Blah kingdom rather quickly…

“Entering the Kingdom of Blah – Do Not Pass Go – Do Not Collect $200”

Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I’m deficient in some nutrient, mineral, vitamin or something. Maybe I’m lacking in something (ok never mind…not opening THAT can of worms…I know I’m lacking in a lot of things…too many to list here).

One thing I’m sure I’m still lacking in real, genuine personal interaction. I want “real” friends to just go, sit outside, shoot the breeze and have a beer/glass of wine with. I’m sure some of you are rolling your eyes at me now. And yes, you’re right, I do a little “hanging out”, but it’s not the same. What I’m really looking for is far different than hanging out with associates or acquaintances   There are just too many people…no… really too FEW people who “really” give a crap…it’s all about appearances. *sigh*

I want a life. A real one…not one that is all smoke and mirrors.

Not many people really know me, including myself.  I’m still learning who I am, and that adds to my frustration.. Maybe that’s how things are in your late 40’s; anyone with whom you’re going to have a “real” connection should already be in your “friend portfolio” by now because you can’t seem to add them later. Or can you and I just haven’t figured out the secret?

I’m sure my residency in the Kingdom of Blah has more to do with my outlook than anything else. And the even odder thing here is that I am TRULY happier than I’ve been in a long long time. *sigh* I guess today I just need a kick in the rear or something. Mind over mood right?

Ok. So somebody kick me.

The Things we do to look nice….

You know, there are just some inequities in this world that make me mutter under my breath and shake my head in disgust. One that always gets my panties in a twist is the inequity between how men and women approach self-beautification. Oh, sure…it may very well be society’s fault that women are held to a different standard. It may even be our own fault for buying into that standard, but it’s still a major harrumph in my life. Until men suffer from having ANYTHING waxed in an effort to look more attractive, I don’t want to hear them complain about the burdens THEY carry in this area.

I recently took stock of some of my self-improvement rituals, and I’ve decided that the time has come to confront a few of these beasts of burden and see JUST how critical they are to me. The Critical Rating Scale ranges from 1-10; 1 being the least critical and 10 being a ritual that allows me to leave my bedroom every day. So let’s get started….

 * Alignment Issues: No matter how many times you see a man reach down to “adjust” himself, I’m still more than half convinced that they actually enjoy those special moments. I, on the other hand, have decided that I should invest in a laser level to help me get The Girls (lovingly named after those madcap gals, Lavern and Shirley) aligned every morning after they’ve been safely holstered. There’s nothing worse than looking in a mirror at the end of the day only to realize that Lavern has been in a perky mood all day, while Shirley has been a little down, so to speak.

Critical Rating: 5 Critical Rating on a Cold Day: 10 

* Brush Strokes: Makeup is a powerful force in a woman’s life. We are lured by promises of pearlesque skin, lips that beg to be kissed, and eyes that say “Come hither” with absolutely no shame. The sad truth is that no amount of foundation is going to disguise the fact that I’m a 40ish year old woman who still suffers from the teenage indignity of occasional blemishes. No artistic application of eye shadow will make my eyes anything other than a gloriously average brown. And no amount of lipstick is going to make my lips whisper an inviting “kiss me” while I continue to enjoy garlic as a condiment in my life.

Critical Rating: 4 Critical Rating on “Add a New Picture to My Profile Day”: 10

 * Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: When I was a young lady, I could confine my hair removal to the usual areas: legs, armpits, and eyebrows. As I age, I’ve noticed that the scope of work and time commitment involved has increased exponentially. I now do a daily once over to check legs, armpits, eyebrows, upper lip, and chin. I think it’s a cosmic conspiracy, frankly. Some poor man no sooner loses his hair than it immediately finds its way to a woman somewhere in the universe. It’s a sad thing. And it’s getting sadder. To help in this battle, I have a lovely Vietnamese woman who waxes stuff for me. Her promise is always the same, “I make you look like Pretty Woman, Ashee. You see. You be happy with me.” After the wax and hair has been cruelly RIPPED from my skin, she holds up the removal cloth like a trophy to show me that my $7 was well spent. A necessary evil? Yep. I never want earn the title “Stubbly.”

Critical Rating: 10 Critical Rating In Low Lighting: 9

I could go on and on. Pantyhose, high heels, underwire bras, perfumes that cost more some third-world countries, jewelry and accessories, matching ensembles, tone, texture, style…we have to consider them all! It’s not a thing for the faint of heart.

Now, on to men…when they roll out of bed in the morning, THEY never look like they should iron their face! They hop in the shower and emerge five seconds later smelling like Safeguard. A swipe of a deodorant stick, five more seconds with the blow dryer, a couple passes with a razor and *poof* they are done. The only remaining decision is which of their 50 gazillion tee shirts they’re going to wear with jeans. I think I hate them. I really do.

It’s exhausting being a woman in search of beauty. It’s expensive. And it’s also depressing because despite all the hard work, all the expense, all the hopes for success, you know darn well some smart aleck teenage Adonis is going to call you “Ma’am” and offer to help you across the street before the day is over. When he does? Step on his foot “accidentally” and tell him you poked your eye out with a mascara wand and couldn’t see well.

Intuition

Do you believe it in? I do. In fact, I believe that sometimes a woman’s intuition makes the most accurate predictions… Women are generally emotional creatures, I know my feminist friends will cringe… but it’s true. And it’s precisely for that reason that we are more sensitive to the tingling sensations we get whenever we feel that something may just happen.

What I have a harder time doing is listening to my intuitions. If only I did more often… but I digress.

I’ve had it for about a month now… at least since mid July… feeling IT. The something may just happen kind of feeling.

“Learn to let your intuition—gut instinct—tell you when the food, the relationship, the job isn’t good for you (and conversely, when what you’re doing is just right).” ~Oprah Winfrey

It’s funny, that even though I know that somehow, that deep down, gut feeling is just about always right -I still try to fight it. I don’t want to believe it… especially if it’s contrary to what I think I want/need/believe. Instead, I toss that intuition around in my mind for awhile, bounce it off of a few other ideas, and then when the thought’s all worn out, leave it there to teach it a lesson. I’ll show that pesky intuition… yes I will.

“Cease trying to work everything out with your minds. It will get you nowhere. Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be revelation.” ~Eileen Caddy

I think one of my biggest problems is that I outthink myself too much. And often it’s my undoing. I also think I’m not the only one who does this…. how many times have you said to yourself… “I was going to say/do that!” I think we would all do well to start trusting ourselves a little more and to go with our instincts more than we go against them…. ah… um… yeah.

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.” ~Jonas Salk

The inklings have been soooo strong for me lately… that I finally had to act on them.

And so I did…I felt better almost instantly.

Now… to continue practicing what I blog… my gut feeling is telling me I need to get back to homework…and so I shall.

Mercury— In Retrograde

Blank page. Missing words.  Knowing what needs to be expressed.  Can I write it? Can I mean it?  Afraid. All over again.  Stop pretending.  STOP. NOW.

It’s Mercury, In Retrograde.

Backwards communication.  Words poised – ready but stuck.  Someone pop the cork.  It is New Year’s after all.  They explosion would loosen and overflow – maybe – or maybe it would just mist at the top, right below…statying stuck.

Mercury, In Retrograde.

But wait…. SHE RA

I have the power. I. Have. The. Power. It’s mine by grace.  It fills me.

Stand.

Believe.

Be Encouraged.

It is promised.

It is coming.

It is mine.

Believe.

Strength.

Courage.

All Powerful.

Chosen.  ME.  Chosen.

Mercury, In Retrograde, NO MORE.

Suicide is a Moment…

It doesn’t matter there are people who love you or that the sun is shining. It hits you all of the sudden–nothing is ever going to be OK, ever. So, you dare yourself. Is this it?

You start thinking that you’ve known all along this was coming, but you don’t know if today’s the day. If you think too much… it probably isn’t.

But you pick up your razor, press it to your skin, hold your pill bottles and you think–I could just do it.

Most of the time you get scared and the moments gone. You go back to normal, but you keep it there in your mind. Even if you never do it, it gives you a comfort to know it’s for your to choose.

Fairy Tales

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is – it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

I’ve found that at the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important – happy ever after – just that it’s happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while, people may even take your breath away.

This years goals…

I don’t necessarily believe in setting resolutions anymore. I feel like most people don’t really expect anyone to keep them, so they automatically discount what you say you are seeking to achieve. Goals on the other hand…are more realistic. They spcan be short term or long; large or small. For some reason, and I am certain it is mostly psychological, they just seem more obtainable.

So what are my goals this year? In no particular order they are:

Finish my AA degree and be accepted as a transfer student at FSU or FAMU.
Walk more. Lots more.
Get healthier. I m not setting a weight loss goal, but focusing more on changing my diet.
Use my husband’s love language regularly. (If you aren’t familiar with this check out http://www.5lovelanguages.com )
Start a crafting hobby again. Knitting? Crochet? Not sure yet.
Read at least one book for fun each month.
Take Chris to Disney. He’s 45, born in Tampa, but never been. Say what?
Stop biting my nails…once and for all.
Read the entire Bible again.

It’s all about perception…

Perception is reality… I’ve said that for years.  But what happens when your perspective is suddenly shaken… how do you define the new reality?

I guess you have to take a step back…and decide just how to process the information and then more importantly, decide what the information means to you. 

In this case… I’m a player, yet I’m an outsider… my involvement is key…but there is this gray area that I still don’t understand. This thing that clouds my judgment at times… It’s confusing… and what exactly is “IT”.  (Don’t say that stupid clown in the drain… just.don’t.) It’s that “thing” that shakes me so today… just when I thought I had it all figured out … WHAM.  A monkey wrench in the works….and I have to readjust my perspective.

On thing that hasn’t changed is that this person is a dear friend. 

Be happy. Be loved. Be at peace.