My Kingdom of Blah…

That’s the best title I could come up with. I usually like to come up with some kind of witty, fun, interesting title – but sorry…guess we’re all out of luck today.

Blah.

The last few days (ok… weeks…months…years…) it seems I’ve been full of blah. Others have noticed it as well. Things may amuse me, make me happy, get a rise out of me – but only for a short while. Then it’s back to the Kingdom of Blah.

Maybe what I think is Blah-dom is what the rest of the world calls “real life”. I can’t remember ever in my life an extended period of time where nothing major has happened. My life tends to be a bit drama filled at times… I’m working on that. LOL But then again – even when “major” things do happen I return to my Blah kingdom rather quickly…

“Entering the Kingdom of Blah – Do Not Pass Go – Do Not Collect $200”

Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I’m deficient in some nutrient, mineral, vitamin or something. Maybe I’m lacking in something (ok never mind…not opening THAT can of worms…I know I’m lacking in a lot of things…too many to list here).

One thing I’m sure I’m still lacking in real, genuine personal interaction. I want “real” friends to just go, sit outside, shoot the breeze and have a beer/glass of wine with. I’m sure some of you are rolling your eyes at me now. And yes, you’re right, I do a little “hanging out”, but it’s not the same. What I’m really looking for is far different than hanging out with associates or acquaintances   There are just too many people…no… really too FEW people who “really” give a crap…it’s all about appearances. *sigh*

I want a life. A real one…not one that is all smoke and mirrors.

Not many people really know me, including myself.  I’m still learning who I am, and that adds to my frustration.. Maybe that’s how things are in your late 40’s; anyone with whom you’re going to have a “real” connection should already be in your “friend portfolio” by now because you can’t seem to add them later. Or can you and I just haven’t figured out the secret?

I’m sure my residency in the Kingdom of Blah has more to do with my outlook than anything else. And the even odder thing here is that I am TRULY happier than I’ve been in a long long time. *sigh* I guess today I just need a kick in the rear or something. Mind over mood right?

Ok. So somebody kick me.

Intuition

Do you believe it in? I do. In fact, I believe that sometimes a woman’s intuition makes the most accurate predictions… Women are generally emotional creatures, I know my feminist friends will cringe… but it’s true. And it’s precisely for that reason that we are more sensitive to the tingling sensations we get whenever we feel that something may just happen.

What I have a harder time doing is listening to my intuitions. If only I did more often… but I digress.

I’ve had it for about a month now… at least since mid July… feeling IT. The something may just happen kind of feeling.

“Learn to let your intuition—gut instinct—tell you when the food, the relationship, the job isn’t good for you (and conversely, when what you’re doing is just right).” ~Oprah Winfrey

It’s funny, that even though I know that somehow, that deep down, gut feeling is just about always right -I still try to fight it. I don’t want to believe it… especially if it’s contrary to what I think I want/need/believe. Instead, I toss that intuition around in my mind for awhile, bounce it off of a few other ideas, and then when the thought’s all worn out, leave it there to teach it a lesson. I’ll show that pesky intuition… yes I will.

“Cease trying to work everything out with your minds. It will get you nowhere. Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be revelation.” ~Eileen Caddy

I think one of my biggest problems is that I outthink myself too much. And often it’s my undoing. I also think I’m not the only one who does this…. how many times have you said to yourself… “I was going to say/do that!” I think we would all do well to start trusting ourselves a little more and to go with our instincts more than we go against them…. ah… um… yeah.

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.” ~Jonas Salk

The inklings have been soooo strong for me lately… that I finally had to act on them.

And so I did…I felt better almost instantly.

Now… to continue practicing what I blog… my gut feeling is telling me I need to get back to homework…and so I shall.

Mercury— In Retrograde

Blank page. Missing words.  Knowing what needs to be expressed.  Can I write it? Can I mean it?  Afraid. All over again.  Stop pretending.  STOP. NOW.

It’s Mercury, In Retrograde.

Backwards communication.  Words poised – ready but stuck.  Someone pop the cork.  It is New Year’s after all.  They explosion would loosen and overflow – maybe – or maybe it would just mist at the top, right below…statying stuck.

Mercury, In Retrograde.

But wait…. SHE RA

I have the power. I. Have. The. Power. It’s mine by grace.  It fills me.

Stand.

Believe.

Be Encouraged.

It is promised.

It is coming.

It is mine.

Believe.

Strength.

Courage.

All Powerful.

Chosen.  ME.  Chosen.

Mercury, In Retrograde, NO MORE.

Fairy Tales

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is – it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

I’ve found that at the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important – happy ever after – just that it’s happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while, people may even take your breath away.

Good Bye Alice in Wonderland

So, Jewel wrote this song about her journey…I’m adopting it for mine.

So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between
dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my
lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It’s being able to understand
the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you’ve been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it
brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending
that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you’ve been told

Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without
all of those pretty lies

Caught in the rain…

So, last night Chris and I decide to go for our nightly walk…despite the fact that it is obviously going to rain. In my optimistic mode, I am certain it will only sprinkle..and in the beginning, that’s all it was. LOL

Then, you guessed it, the bottom FELL out of the sky. We were both soaking wet when we got home. Totally and completely. I don’t think there was one dry piece of clothing on either of us. And I laughed…inside and out… life really is about dancing in the rain and dancing with good friends only makes it better.

If it rains all week…just pretend you’re a duck. 😉

Starting Over

So…….here I am. Starting over. I’ve lost my job, my home, some of my family and most of what I owned. You see, I’m an addict. Not to drugs or alcohol, but to something at least to me, equally as damaging.

I’m trying to think back–when did it all get out of control? When did I completely lose me? Leaving instead a shell, empty, alone and hurting. Somewhere along the way, I became an extra in my own life. Over time, more and more an observer than a participant. No, that’s not exactly the truth. I started becoming the person everyone expected me to be on the outside, while the real me watched from the sidelines.

Communication

Communication kills me because it evidences so well the contrast. Is that it? That being separated from happiness for so long is what can make me unhappy? That the sudden realization of a happiness I CHOOSE overwhelms me with my incompetence to deal with it?

In my past decisions, I only decided to cry, to write and to otherwise, safely undecide. But in safety, I crushed my wings, I didn’t know how to use them. I was frightened because people were watching and failure was inevitable.

Now I know… Failure is nothing but a starting point.

The Middle.

We’ll start in the middle, since the beginning is fuzzy and jumbled. The beginning is the past. Some days I’m not even sure what was real. I feel a bit trapped in Wonka’s Factory–on the paddle boats– Is it raining, is it pouring… is a hurricane a blowing…

I look in the mirror and the reflection startles me. Who is that person? How did she get here? More importantly, why did it take so long to find her?