I am vulnerable. I am girly. I am a giggler. I am enchanting. I am sacred. I am finding myself. I am filled with anticipation. I am awakening. I am amazing.
So, Jewel wrote this song about her journey…I’m adopting it for mine.
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between
dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my
lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life
Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It’s being able to understand
the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you’ve been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it
brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending
that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you’ve been told
Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without
all of those pretty lies
So, last night Chris and I decide to go for our nightly walk…despite the fact that it is obviously going to rain. In my optimistic mode, I am certain it will only sprinkle..and in the beginning, that’s all it was. LOL
Then, you guessed it, the bottom FELL out of the sky. We were both soaking wet when we got home. Totally and completely. I don’t think there was one dry piece of clothing on either of us. And I laughed…inside and out… life really is about dancing in the rain and dancing with good friends only makes it better.
If it rains all week…just pretend you’re a duck. 😉
Hmmm how do I explain how I feel tonight? Confused? Frustrated? I am not used to working so hard for what I want- Am I chasing the wrong thing?
So…….here I am. Starting over. I’ve lost my job, my home, some of my family and most of what I owned. You see, I’m an addict. Not to drugs or alcohol, but to something at least to me, equally as damaging.
I’m trying to think back–when did it all get out of control? When did I completely lose me? Leaving instead a shell, empty, alone and hurting. Somewhere along the way, I became an extra in my own life. Over time, more and more an observer than a participant. No, that’s not exactly the truth. I started becoming the person everyone expected me to be on the outside, while the real me watched from the sidelines.
Communication kills me because it evidences so well the contrast. Is that it? That being separated from happiness for so long is what can make me unhappy? That the sudden realization of a happiness I CHOOSE overwhelms me with my incompetence to deal with it?
In my past decisions, I only decided to cry, to write and to otherwise, safely undecide. But in safety, I crushed my wings, I didn’t know how to use them. I was frightened because people were watching and failure was inevitable.
Now I know… Failure is nothing but a starting point.
Some people think dandelions are a problem, things to be gotten rid of. I like dandelions, they are persistent, resilient. Wild flowers don’t care where they grow. When I grow up, I want to be a dandelion
I used to dream about white picket fences and all they represented. I never believed in them. Certain they were just another urban legend. White picket fences and Cinderella helped get me where I am today. Sometimes you believe in something so much, your mind plays tricks on you—at least mine did–blurred lines of reality.
We’ll start in the middle, since the beginning is fuzzy and jumbled. The beginning is the past. Some days I’m not even sure what was real. I feel a bit trapped in Wonka’s Factory–on the paddle boats– Is it raining, is it pouring… is a hurricane a blowing…
I look in the mirror and the reflection startles me. Who is that person? How did she get here? More importantly, why did it take so long to find her?
I didn’t really how lost I was…until I needed finding.
I know there will be nay sayers…. I’ve already heard from some of them. All I can say is while I can’t change the beginning of my life, the ending is a blank canvas begging for color. I intend to color it…inside the lines…and out.